Revise and improve the essay
This may be a tough sell for the banking industry to implement even though there is a lot of evidence about the benefits reducing working hours. In your research, try to be more specific in your thesis statement. Some points to consider as you build your support:
· Most salary employees in corporate America already work a 10-12 work day, five days a week!
· During these tough economic times, it will be a tough sell for banks to add employees and/or cut hours
· Are there other areas that can be streamlined for workers in order to cut long hours?
· Can banks implement more wellness programs to combat the negative effects?
**Try the following revision strategy:
EXPLORE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE THESIS IN YOUR CONCLUSION
o Attempt to answer the question, “So what?”
o Why is the information I provided or the position I supported in this essay significant?
o If my thesis is true, what else might also be true?
o What now? Now that readers have read your essay and understood your thesis, how should they change their feelings, ideas, and actions?
As you consider the opposition to your proposal you will need to research and brainstorm all potential reactions. You will need to address the potential company costs from staffing your proposal to implementing while ensuring it is indeed successful. Think of it as how a lawyer might approach each case and argument.
1. DEVIL’S ADVOCATE: Identify your opponent’s argument. Now refute what your opponent says point by point.
2. QUESTIONS: The Inquiry Method
First, write 5 KEY Questions about your topic beginning with How, What, Where or Why. (Make sure no question can be answered with only a yes or now.)
Second, list the 3 of those 5 KEY Questions which most interest you, leaving space below each one.
Third, write 3 MORE questions about each of those 3 Key Questions in the space you have left. Same rule applies: use How, What, Why, Where, so you do not get “yes” or “no” answers.
SENTENCES (SYNTAX & GRAMMAR):
Here are some sentences you have written with a rewritten suggestion following each one:
1. (Run-on) It is, therefore, instrumental for the authorities responsible and all the stakeholders involved to take intervention measures to ensure these problems are addressed promptly and appropriately in a way that satisfies the aggrieved parties.
**REWRITTEN: Prompt action is instrumental for responsible authorities and involved stakeholders to intervene in order to ensure a resolution that satisfies all aggrieved parties.
2. (Awkward) Firstly, overworked bankers are likely to suffer health challenges emanating from long working hours most of which are spent sitting.
**REWRITTEN: Overworked bankers are likely to suffer health challenges emanating from working long hours in a sedentary position.